Happy New Year

A predictable new years post of course would include such things like resolutions, and contemplations- all of which I am incredibly good at. I can think of a few. This year especially, is great for contemplation. After all, isn't that what big break-ups, and major life changes are about?




Without digressing into my usual dismay at the amount of waste being produced through confetti, streamers, horn blowers, along with the sheer amount of electricity required to light that damn ball, and the thousands of kilowatt hours required to light every single thing in the country until well past midnight I will attempt to sum up the past and the future succinctly.

Past

1. This year I turned 30, and didn't grow a single whisker!
2. All of my gardening work, blah. Now maybe I can uproot Stepford.
3. Freedom comes with a price, but it is worth paying.
4. Friendship and love change everything.
5. Spinning is seriously adulterous.
6. Anything important is worth the wait.
7. There really is power in saying it out loud.
8. Thank you.


Future

1. More nachos
2. More dreams
3. More fighting
4. More standing
5. More loving
6. More faith
7. More knitting
8. More spinning
9. More belief
10. More eggs


And because I can't resist.......

Less waste, more recycling!!!

On Responsibility

Sometimes I'd like to ask God why He allows poverty, famine, and injustice in the world when He could do something about it...but I'm afraid God might ask me the same question." ~Anonymous

Channyn is my name,

and I pray. You know the rest, long and hard, like crying and fighting.  And of course the, my mother always said part, (though, I don't remember Mom saying too much about praying).   Seriously, I've been thinking a lot lately about faith.
I've had a long spiritual journey.  I grew up Catholic, first communion and all.  Later, not sure if you knew this mom, but I was one of the founding members to a Christian group in my high school (I even fought to get our group picture in the yearbook).  And, as life got infinitely more complicated, I began to think that God wasn't for me.  I felt abandoned with loss, an abusive marriage, and clearly, from all that I have been told, God did not like lesbians.  I was (am) torn.  

As a Christian, I could not be a lesbian.  And now, as a lesbian, I cannot be a Christian.  I am torn between two worlds, not fully accepted in either, so, it has been easy for me not to talk about it much.  I'm sure I'm not the only one out there that wrestles with belief, and purpose, and yes, about God and getting into heaven.  I surely don't know all the answers, but I thought that this view was worth sharing.  

Sometimes...

Sometimes
I feel like I am holding on to strings
of things
destined to
or that should
be
let go.

Still, my name is Channyn

and I am a fighter.  Like the cries, and the liquor swig, I fight long and hard.  When I was little (and, still now) my mother said, I can't just let it go.  Or more accurately, "you always have to have the last word."  Last word or not, my words are my best weapons.  

I've been thinking a lot lately about the existential. This is not something new for me. I take my role in this life very seriously. In fact, it is most of what drives me.  I am in love with the ideas of equality, justice, fairness, and yes, the art of defending the ideal. Sometimes I let it get the best of me. I am the quintessential, "are you there God, it's me Margaret" Although, clearly my struggle isn't with sanitary napkins and increasing my bust size.

How do I say that life is so hard without hurting the ones I love most?  How do I fix what has been torn, to find what is real?  How do I use that to help others? How do I stop that which is wrong without hurting what is right?

I don't know the answers, I will stumble in my search, but clearly I am willing to fight (and sometimes cry) to find them.